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Warts and Rocks

I know…I know…my last blog was quite a while ago. It’s been on my mind to write however I’ve been trying to suss out if I can make my blog a positive experience for you guys to read. So I may just waffle to disguise my current situation. Oh…I’ve already blown my cover lol. Honesty and all that.

So what’s been happening with me? Let’s chuck some words out there to summarise my health: landslide, challenging, upsetting, frustrating… You get the picture. I’ve been in some very dark places psychologically. My cats manage to break the atmosphere sometimes. My partner is unbelievably supportive. I feel as though I’ve revisited some times that I thought had gathered dust.

My most frustrating and ironic feelings are that as a predominantly outdoor active and social person these characteristics have gone on vacation…or dumped me. Recently I realised that I feel I’ve been kidnapped or suffocated by MS. The smallest things rock my mood…good or bad. Yep depression seems to have been admitted by myself.

You know what I realised a while back? That I was thinking I had all the energy an able-bodied person has…and that even though I’m in a wheelchair I can still do sport and anything. So I tried this. I started eating loads and exercising. I then got worn out and as often happens when confined to bed I realised some shit: my levels of energy were low, food and weight increase were not eradicating my energy loss. Arse! Eventually I realised I have an illness affecting my whole nervous system…my whole body: mind, brain and body. My neurological communication to my muscles got more and more challenging…and following like a sheep, my emotions and attitude slid downhill like an avalanche. New symptoms crept in…putting the fear in my internal grasp on life. Medics here and there. Like a bad music festival, perhaps?! I like analogies so I trust you are still with me with these ones. Due to some, hopefully temporary, uncomfy environmental circumstances my stress levels have increased and ermmm…mix that altogether and watch me try to stay afloat in a huge ocean whilst hanging onto a rock.

I do have a teeny piece of hope left…however to be honest this strand of hope is fraying somewhat. Glimpses of light at the end of tunnels simply flicker whilst the tunnel seems to increase in length. Okay, so imagine you are climbing a hill…this is based on a true story as a child…and you wonder where the top of the hill is – you’re told its just over the next mound. The hill goes up and up. Every time you think you’ve conquered the hill and reached a plateau along comes another peak to climb. Sigh…

Well…that’s as best as I can write at the moment. Of course I’m trying to get through my tunnel; surf my wave; shine a light; reach the hilltop…however I’m feeling pretty fragile. Warts and all…there you go!

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Who’s On Stage?

So, I’ve just been listening and reading a bit from Tanya Geisler. One part was…what person do you want to be? The other part was…start starring your role.

I want to feel comfy and happy with my health – to stop receiving diagnoses and degenerating. That will be sooo wonderful. To be able to put my health to one side a bit and to be able to have inner freedom to live comfortably. To let go of fear for my future and trust that I will cope with each progression. Hmmm it’s a big ask.

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The second part is an interesting thought, especially if I place myself back within my acting days – an interesting angle for me to think about. I’m to put on my acting mind and realise that I’m the starring role and to bring my character alive. The task is to carry out a life of a person whom lives with and overcomes these health hurdles. Also to feel internal acceptance, to have fun and believe in life. Maybe the Stanislavski Method is worth a try…however is acting the way to live?