Holistically MS

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Broken Toy

Here is a letter I wrote to a very dear friend…so I figure it will be suitable for a post. It’s completely depressing…so look away if you are feeling you need positive energy right now.

Bummer…you’ll be asleep.
You’ve always said, so kindly, to call on you whenever I need to. Now is one of those times. I’m trying to type to you amongst my tears of self loss. I just can’t seem to accept my health and what it’s done and doing to my life. I’m so massively upset, full of grief and loss – like I was when I left Oz all those years ago…except my health has progressed so much since then – in a bad bad way. I just do not know if I’m cut out to be a disabled person. There just seems to be ongoing battles that push me down. I try so hard Shain…I really do. I even hate writing this on this dreaded fb site however at the moment this is my way of contacting you. I miss…a long list of my life. I am suppose to look forwards however that to me is grim beyond grimness. I am in despair. I am so broken; heartbroken and lost. Hurt. Weak. I’m like a broken toy that’s been fixed so many times that now I’m full of weakness.

I know we made a promise. I’ve forgotten the detail…asides from me to stay alive. I want to. However I am broken…sad…stressed…damaged and worn out. When is too much too much?
So you may be wondering what has sparked this off…well asides from my wheelchair being broken and the national health service yet to fix it…and no emergency repair service…it needs changing for a more suitable and supportive wheelchair; I’m needing more and more aids around the home; more help; winter is looming which means wheelchairs in dirt and rain and cold and darkness; my health is declining; I miss doing what I love doing…I’m not ready to accept this life however I have to; I feel that I have so much to sort out to ease every day living…it’s stressful; exhausting and costly…especially if I try to save hassle.

I don’t want my life like it is and like it’s heading. Whatever people say…I am not actually coping. It’s a front. A cover – so I can enjoy what little snippets I can. Yes I am hugely depressed…and on the list is to get a counsellor – even that’s tough due to accessibility. I get hassle from the health service for symptoms and other issues. I’m trying to get onto benefits to ease the finances and to open doors to other things…and that is proving to be extremely long winded and exhausting.

Do I just want to give up? Yes and no. Yes, if it’s going to carry on like this. No, if things can be sorted out and I feel at ease with myself and hurdles in life are eliminated.

I miss you Shain. I miss lots. I miss memories. I miss adventures…nice adventures and being able to take part and enjoy things. I miss being able to get into places. I miss blending in. I miss my inner self. I miss my life choices. I miss hope.

Lots of love to you from all around the globe xxxx


Sent to me from Shain, several months ago, of South Australia sunrise.

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Reality of the waves

As much as I want this blog to be positive and helpful, I also feel that this is to be a true blog of my journey. So to respect you, myself and to ease my stress I shall try to provide interesting reading which is also honest.

I have been continuing with my exercise which this week so far has been sawing up some wood for a friend. I get to exercise; fresh air; tidy the garden and also help someone. And that makes me feel good. I am however challenged with depression from my own body and so if something makes me feel good then I really appreciate it. Often this is short lived though and so I search for more sustainable approaches to happiness. The short term smiles and holidays really ease challenges and provide me with perks in life. However for me I really feel a strong need for consistent living. Perhaps holistic living is what I’m about here.


So when the waves peak and trough – whether they be in the mind or/and the body – how do we find enough to sustain a happy life?

I do also wonder if ‘busy’ people may feel the same if you were to cut out their daily busy times. I certainly have the time to put into thinking about stuff more than is required, however I tend to keep busy so to avoid thinking about the reality that involves me and my achievements. So…I ask myself…what is my future? All I know is that I wish for some long term happiness that is sustainable and healthy.

So perhaps my passion of watching surfers is deeper than I thought? What I love about watching surfing is the free spirit in the image of the sport and lifestyle. I love the use of wave power and the skill. I love the feeling I get by the sea and by taking time out to just gaze. I love the sound and smell too. The ocean is full of energy and I get to feel that healthy energy when I am close to the sea. Hearing the ocean also simulates relaxation.

The sea gives me the feeling of space by the horizon providing distance and space. Surfing looks cool and I believe that this look illustrates someone relaxed whom is in control. How apt this all seems.