Holistically MS

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Harmony

Hello… It’s been a fair while since I last wrote. A few reasons for this. My IBS adjusted to the Wahls diet negatively when I increased the sulfur amount. I went through many food tests at home to find this out. So life for me was still massively better however I needed to remain at home in reach of the bathroom. After many weeks I started on a Low-FODMAP diet which has eased the situation lots. I then got a cold and some weeks later am shaking the last of it off. I very rarely get colds and was sure glad I was on the Wahls Protocol for this one. Although I have stayed at home and had breaks from my training programme I have still felt remarkably well, all things considered. So I’m ever so thankful for this. I have felt okay about staying at home for these weeks…I guess it’s due to minimal challenges whilst my MS itself is treating me well. Soon I shall begin going out solo again…and with others.

So…it’s early in the morning, I’m sitting on our garden bench – a long time since I’ve been able to do this and I will say that the back of the bench is a bit hard for my somewhat boney back these days. Plus I’ve gotten use to the back of the wheelchair or lounging chairs.

I’m in a reflective mood as the last four months have been intense on top of a previously intense situation with our old home. Yesterday the lovely old Victorian farmhouse was sold to a newly wed young couple. We had some challenges living there; serial litigator neighbour; stairs with more random steps upstairs; poor public transport; rural and even further from my folks and family. So the surrealism of being off of the property ladder will sink in. The aforementioned has of course affected my health. I’m so happy that my body has bounced back…or forwards…by continuing to heal and to strive to be healthier.

Sometimes I want to go and eat something easy; regular; the same as others…and then I recall my health challenging me beyond belief and living in bed with continuous struggles. So of course the motivation is immense and I continue to live with the Wahls Protocol food in order to enjoy life.

I like that I am so often amazed and appreciative of my healing body. I love that my body is healing naturally without pharmaceutical ‘aid’. This sits so well with me and that in turn relaxes me. I’m enjoying my little meditation time – the calmness actually works for me these days. Perhaps now the brain messages have chilled out, and got in line in what feels like an orderly fashion, I have the ability to feel calmness.

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Be good to yourself…enjoy the moments around you.

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Broken Toy

Here is a letter I wrote to a very dear friend…so I figure it will be suitable for a post. It’s completely depressing…so look away if you are feeling you need positive energy right now.

Bummer…you’ll be asleep.
You’ve always said, so kindly, to call on you whenever I need to. Now is one of those times. I’m trying to type to you amongst my tears of self loss. I just can’t seem to accept my health and what it’s done and doing to my life. I’m so massively upset, full of grief and loss – like I was when I left Oz all those years ago…except my health has progressed so much since then – in a bad bad way. I just do not know if I’m cut out to be a disabled person. There just seems to be ongoing battles that push me down. I try so hard Shain…I really do. I even hate writing this on this dreaded fb site however at the moment this is my way of contacting you. I miss…a long list of my life. I am suppose to look forwards however that to me is grim beyond grimness. I am in despair. I am so broken; heartbroken and lost. Hurt. Weak. I’m like a broken toy that’s been fixed so many times that now I’m full of weakness.

I know we made a promise. I’ve forgotten the detail…asides from me to stay alive. I want to. However I am broken…sad…stressed…damaged and worn out. When is too much too much?
So you may be wondering what has sparked this off…well asides from my wheelchair being broken and the national health service yet to fix it…and no emergency repair service…it needs changing for a more suitable and supportive wheelchair; I’m needing more and more aids around the home; more help; winter is looming which means wheelchairs in dirt and rain and cold and darkness; my health is declining; I miss doing what I love doing…I’m not ready to accept this life however I have to; I feel that I have so much to sort out to ease every day living…it’s stressful; exhausting and costly…especially if I try to save hassle.

I don’t want my life like it is and like it’s heading. Whatever people say…I am not actually coping. It’s a front. A cover – so I can enjoy what little snippets I can. Yes I am hugely depressed…and on the list is to get a counsellor – even that’s tough due to accessibility. I get hassle from the health service for symptoms and other issues. I’m trying to get onto benefits to ease the finances and to open doors to other things…and that is proving to be extremely long winded and exhausting.

Do I just want to give up? Yes and no. Yes, if it’s going to carry on like this. No, if things can be sorted out and I feel at ease with myself and hurdles in life are eliminated.

I miss you Shain. I miss lots. I miss memories. I miss adventures…nice adventures and being able to take part and enjoy things. I miss being able to get into places. I miss blending in. I miss my inner self. I miss my life choices. I miss hope.

Lots of love to you from all around the globe xxxx

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Sent to me from Shain, several months ago, of South Australia sunrise.