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Broken Toy

Here is a letter I wrote to a very dear friend…so I figure it will be suitable for a post. It’s completely depressing…so look away if you are feeling you need positive energy right now.

Bummer…you’ll be asleep.
You’ve always said, so kindly, to call on you whenever I need to. Now is one of those times. I’m trying to type to you amongst my tears of self loss. I just can’t seem to accept my health and what it’s done and doing to my life. I’m so massively upset, full of grief and loss – like I was when I left Oz all those years ago…except my health has progressed so much since then – in a bad bad way. I just do not know if I’m cut out to be a disabled person. There just seems to be ongoing battles that push me down. I try so hard Shain…I really do. I even hate writing this on this dreaded fb site however at the moment this is my way of contacting you. I miss…a long list of my life. I am suppose to look forwards however that to me is grim beyond grimness. I am in despair. I am so broken; heartbroken and lost. Hurt. Weak. I’m like a broken toy that’s been fixed so many times that now I’m full of weakness.

I know we made a promise. I’ve forgotten the detail…asides from me to stay alive. I want to. However I am broken…sad…stressed…damaged and worn out. When is too much too much?
So you may be wondering what has sparked this off…well asides from my wheelchair being broken and the national health service yet to fix it…and no emergency repair service…it needs changing for a more suitable and supportive wheelchair; I’m needing more and more aids around the home; more help; winter is looming which means wheelchairs in dirt and rain and cold and darkness; my health is declining; I miss doing what I love doing…I’m not ready to accept this life however I have to; I feel that I have so much to sort out to ease every day living…it’s stressful; exhausting and costly…especially if I try to save hassle.

I don’t want my life like it is and like it’s heading. Whatever people say…I am not actually coping. It’s a front. A cover – so I can enjoy what little snippets I can. Yes I am hugely depressed…and on the list is to get a counsellor – even that’s tough due to accessibility. I get hassle from the health service for symptoms and other issues. I’m trying to get onto benefits to ease the finances and to open doors to other things…and that is proving to be extremely long winded and exhausting.

Do I just want to give up? Yes and no. Yes, if it’s going to carry on like this. No, if things can be sorted out and I feel at ease with myself and hurdles in life are eliminated.

I miss you Shain. I miss lots. I miss memories. I miss adventures…nice adventures and being able to take part and enjoy things. I miss being able to get into places. I miss blending in. I miss my inner self. I miss my life choices. I miss hope.

Lots of love to you from all around the globe xxxx

image

Sent to me from Shain, several months ago, of South Australia sunrise.

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